; g o s s i p m a n !

For most of my life I have kept my true feelings to myself - over life, over small things, over large things. It seems silly, even to myself to keep everything bottled up. I honestly can't remember who told me this, or where I heard it but I remember someone saying that they don't want to be around me the day I snap. I won't snap, that much I know, but the amount of stress it puts me under makes it pointless.

I'm not sure if I covered this in another journal, but I don't Care because I want to cover it againregardless because it is on my mind. My sophomore year of High School...about 3 years ago... I had a school assembly. The speaker was someone who lost his brother because his brother was in a car accident, driving drunk. The details are pretty vague in my mind, but there was something that he said that I still remember. He said his brother was always smiling and that no matter how bad a day he was having he just smiled and it was warm and it was genuine and it was peaceful. Ever since then I wanted to become that person so much. I wanted to become the person that smiles just because, smiles despite the circumstances, smiles because he smiles. For the most part I think I have, though sometimes it's just damn near impossible to do so.

I've only talked about this to a few select people, but I'm going to do so here. My mom was involved in a relationship with a woman who basically hated me since I was born. She met my mom when my mom was still carrying me. My mom still tells me today that when I was a baby and when I was 2 years old that I would give "J" the most angry looks. "J" tried to punch my mom when I was in her arms - when I was about 4 months old so you can see the picture that it wasn't the most stable relationship. I used to be scared to the point I would hide under my covers, hide in the closet, or cover my ears so hard they would be red just so I couldn't hear them arguing. I can still feel my heart beating as I type this. It used to pound and pound and I would shut my eyes and try to think about other things. There was a point where it got so bad that my mom was going to kill herself. I can't remember the words but I remember I was so scared - to the point I was shaking and I was standing by my door and I wanted to do and say something but I felt as if I couldn't, I was literally petrified to the core. But I managed to open my door and scream "Please don't!" and my mom still thinks someone spoke through me in that moment. I know it sounds silly but that came to mind while I was typing this.

There have been so many times in my life where I was silent, where I just turned the other way because I was too scared. Recent events make me want to change because I'm tired of backing down. I'm not loud, I'm not powerful physically, and I tend to have a soft tender heart, but when I need to speak my mind, I am going to. Others can either listen and leave or say something back but regardless my mind, my thoughts, my words aren't going to be hidden.

I have an amazing group of friends around me, one in particular that lives far away (most likely the best; -yes-), some that are just in my memories because I have no longer contact with them. They range from all different ages, to different backgrounds, to different accomplishments, to different hardships. They are my friends for a reason, and I am their friend for a reason. Life has circumstances, life has subjective moments, and life has reasons.

I am proud that I smile, I am ashamed I have been silent for too long, but I am happy to work towards not turning my head anymore, and not being silent when I should be loud, I should have a voice, and that voice should carry meaningful words.

*smile*

- Gossip man

So if any one knows me they know that I worry about absolutely everything. My mom and I have always had a good relationship to the point where we talk about everything and anything. But lately it's just been me listening and her talking. I'm so stressed right now between work and school and worrying about things and feeling like an idiot for having to drop a class becuase I just can't handle it. I let her borrow my car this week and yet she still complains and I know it's because she has no one to talk to so she vents to me but I can only handle so much. I just wish that my trip in December was permanent. I know that's bad to say but to be 3000 miles away from my family will be a blessing. I'm obviously stressed by saying that because I'm pretty close with my family but I just wish I could put up a bubble and that my mom wouldn't pile this on my back 5 minutes after I get out of work after having a not so good day.

*sigh*

- Gossip Man

Muwha now that I can post things here again expect massive updates. The one reason I love this performance is because of GaIn from Brown Eyed Girls. I like the song too but it’s all cuz of GaIn <3.

*smile*

- Gossip Man

I finally get some breathing time.

In case I get any people wondering in my future entry's. Breathing time = time away from my dorm. I say that because I stupidly made the choice to give up my private room and now my roommate watches my every move. It's... frustrating.

For the past few days I've got this wild idea to go flying for my birthday. The ultimate place would be to go to Italy, for reasons only I and another know. I actually have the money for it, and totally could, but it's more about if I should be sensible, or go with my wants.

Eventually I WILL do so. I'll plan ahead and do things of that, but it's still in the back of my head to purchase that ticket and prepare for the best weekend ever.

I have two notions to either create a Lady Gaga site, more focusing on fans rather than just keeping up on the mass media on Gaga. Of course provide news and links, but be focused on her fans like photos of them with her, meet and greets, opinions, things like that. And of course to be called Mr. Gaga.com. The other notion is to create either a Big Bang fansite, or a fansite focusing on Asian RPG/Fanfiction.

I know how to run a website now, so my ideas are running.

Oooh... Yeaaaahhhh...

I made some Gaga glasses last night and realized that I broke them before I put them on :(

The past few weeks have been sending me on different paths. I made the decision to join a school organization which will look -very- good on a resume, I decided to stay with the Webzine despite Dominatrix. I decided to keep my job even after starting. I had doubts because I was worrying and getting nervous about not doing a good job. If anyone knows me at all they know I tend to be paranoid about things that haven't happened or aren't true. My roommate was going to go to a school, then decided he was going to stay for an extra year, then decided to do a different major. At that point I realized I was letting him influence my decisions on school. Now that I have an adviser, things have become more clear and I will graduate by December of next year. *If Gossip Man has NOT flown to Italy by then, or Asia depending on location of Bebe, he will fly at this time no matter what*

There is this guy with a shirt in my class. He's worn it twice and only today it caught my attention. The quote was: "There will always be someone better than you, but don't let that stop you being the best YOU can be."

Awhile back I was considering giving up being a graphic designer. It was around the time my art teacher told me I wasn't an artist, that I can't create art, and that I give art a bad name. Needless to say I was kind of depressed. But this quote made me smile because even though someone might be better than me at something, that's not going to stop me from working twice as hard to become the best I can be. And that could result in being better than them. Why give up? Why be self-defeated before I even try just because someone else thinks another is better. Everything... EVERYTHING is subjective. It's a matter of opinion. That's what I love about the world because everyone is individual. Everyone differs in likes and dislikes. Everyone ISN'T the same.

It's a beautiful thing and I'm finally happy to say - I'm glad I'm not normal, I'm glad I don't conform, and I'm glad I'm different. God help the day the world is made up of everyone being the same, and doing the same. I will not be a robot.

*double smiles*

- Gossip Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkwPTz67sgI&feature=channel

I'm not sure if this is the right code to show a youtube video...... if not can someone direct me in the right button? I'm new to this site......

Well ever since I saw this video and literally fell out of my chair and spilled my Vitamin Water on my head, I have been obsessed with it. Forget Seungri because he's not mentionable until he stops being a spotlight whore like CL.

But watch Tae. RED PANTS. OMFG. Seriously...... SERIOUSLY. AND Jiyong GD whatever........ and TABI'S DEEP VOICE AHHHHHHHHHH..

*rant over*

Just watch......

Beware.... you might get CJ Matthews' EEEEE syndrome after watching this. I tend to be contagious.... I mean the disease is not me...... *runs*

*smile*

- Gossip Man